‘You did a Masters Degree, didn’t you?’
‘Yeah, I did it in London’
‘What did you think about it?’
‘It was fine, but I had a nervous breakdown after it’
‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!’
‘I’m not joking, I went to therapy for 3 years.’
*laughter continues, along with some knee slapping
‘Why does everyone laugh when I tell them that?’
Working freelance as a dramaturg and a playwright feels like I’m doing my Masters Degree again. Some days feel wonderful, hopeful and exciting, but then other days I notice my bank account is less than when I was doing my Masters degree. To create work for the stage involves a lot of bearing your soul, sometimes all of your soul. How do I know this? Because my therapist told me when I asked him why do I want to scream into a pillow until my voice goes horse when I am in the middle of writing.
Last week felt like the biggest kick in the ovaries, not just one kick but many kicks. Like a SWAT team trying to kick down a door, but instead of a door it was me. It was one of those weeks where I wish I could go back in time and scream at past tense Katie ‘No, don’t do it, just go work in a bank or some shit!’ I shall fill you in on how my week went…
- No Spanish- My Spanish is still shite, but now so much time has gone by, people are looking at me puzzled why I haven’t even mastered ‘muy bien’. So every time someone asks me something in Spanish my brain decides to panic instead of listening, which then involves a lot of running away. I may not have Spanish, but I am getting fit.
- Rejected- I submitted my CV to a few jobs in Mexico and got no response AND submitted my work to a few organisations and got a few responses, which were not good. One response stated that it was not what they were looking for, but maybe try again next time. The other said I missed the deadline…the deadline is in May.
- My mouthguard- I grind my teeth at night, because my brain loves to keep the tension going that I feel during the day into the night for the craic. And Frida the dog ate it, didn’t just eat it but destroyed it. And now it will be €150 to get a new one, because my freaky jaw needs one with a specific material.
- Rats really like jumping- I was spending all day writing and decided I needed to clear my head so I went for a walk. The walk was really pleasant and my gaze fixated on this beautiful tree full of birds chirping. Little did I know, there was a rat practicing for the Olympics in the bushes. As I walked closer to the tree, the rat decided to practice his long jump right towards my face. I ran down the road screaming and soon realised the rat was also a fantastic sprinter.
- My bank does not like OXXO- I tried to use my card in OXXO, which is a newsagents in Mexico and found out my card was blocked. I understandably began tofreak out because that is where all my money lives. After two weeks of no response from my bank, I began tweeting at my bank to help me. Eventually, I got it sorted and finally someone was talking to by email and told me to send them the email to tell me my card was blocked. But I didn’t get an email…turns out my card was never blocked, it just does not like working in shops, but will happily work when I am at an ATM. What did I learn from this experience? Being in constant panic for two weeks helped me fit back into my favourite jeans.
It was one of those weeks that kept on giving, don’t worry, there is more to add to the list but I cannot be bothered to type everything.
Then my thoughts trailed off thinking about after my Masters Degree, wondering was it really worth it? Was it worth the money? Is following your passion worth it when it invades so much of your mental well being? Where is Nelly Furtado? Is that her real name? What type of bird was she talking about in that song?
When I am not being rejected from theatres and organisations, I am usually writing and editing videos for my Youtube page Theatrebound©. When I did have that nervous breakdown after my Masters Degree, this weird theatre Youtube channel was my saving grace. When I finished my Masters Degree I was so unsure of my place in the theatre industry, but I knew what I wanted to do, I just didn’t know where to do it. Hence why I went online, there is a lot of freedom, but at the moment no real financial stability. The biggest boost to keep going like a true theatremaker is always when I get a good reaction from my audience.
As I uploaded another new short theatre play to my twitter, about 10 minutes later I got a comment from a playwright, a playwright who was involved in the same Masters Degree as myself. Here is my happy face reading the comment again.
I massively respect this playwright, and have be
en a keen admirer of her work since I met her in London. I was literally smiling from ear to ear when I read it, and immediately my mood went from ‘fuck everything what is the point?’ to ‘that is the point’. This also happened me a few months ago when another playwright I did my Masters with messaged me saying she really liked my videos, here is another happy picture of myself with this message.
Working within the theatre industry is inconsistent, soul destroying, relentless, ruthless and well a down right motherfucking bitch bastard dickhead. The days are too long with not enough money, the work is full of fuckers who would prefer to catch the best lighting instead of the best story, people who don’t work within the industry don’t take you seriously, people who work in the industry don’t take you seriously, you spend your whole career climbing the ladder to realise actually it looks quite similar to the
work being created at the bottom of the ladder, you spend all your free time trying to explore the best story/ play you want to create but you can’t think of anything because you are too tired from doing a 6AM load in, and then your mind drifts to wondering if all of this shit is fucking worth it, then suddenly…someone compliments you on your work, someone reacts to your work and time just stops. All those negative thoughts disappear, even that weird pain in your leg disappears from where you dropped that lamp earlier in the day, or last week, its been a long day you can check that pain out with a doctor later.
AND THIS IS WHY I HATE AND LOVE THEATRE!
Having the creativity to explore and create a compelling story that can move an audience in some way shape or form is like no other. And it is not just having that creativity but there is also that energy in your stomach that craves to create a story to explore and produce it. That is why all theatremakers, including myself, allow ourselves to work in well, shite conditions. Which can be mental or physical conditions, or both, most of the time both. You are working from your soul, which is something you have to nourish and protect. Which I never would have learnt if I didn’t have a breakdown after my Masters Degree and start going to therapy. And learning to take care of my mental well being, led me to live a happier life, which in turn, led me to meet a person that knew when tears were streaming down my face after such a shit week, just gently gave me a hug and whispered ‘I think your’e amazing’. And then fed me chips, which made me cry even more cause well, chips are the best.
Would I recommend doing a Masters Degree for other Dramaturgs and playwrights? No, go to therapy, it is way cheaper.
But Katie I thought this blog entry was about a shitty week? Well, Katie, fuck you this is now a lyrical blog entry.
Ehhh, is lyrical just an eloquent way to justify your lack of consistency. Let me guess, you are expressing yourself and this is not a lack of consistency but your stream of consciousness.
Yeah, maybe it is, listen, if James Joyce can get away with it so can I, got it!
Got it? They sound like some fighting words.
Fighting words? What do you think I am going to do? Attack you with a question mark. Cool your beans!
ANYWAY….
What advice can I give other freelance theatremakers to avoid a shitty week? Be careful of bushes, rats are very good at jumping.








