Theatre Argot

The new seating plan. Laura Ashley meets Woodies DIY.

THEATRE ARGOT: Words and sentences that appear to be familiar but which are actually obscuring the real intent.

As a dramaturg, my work entails a lot of research. When I say research I mean research so vast it would make St. Brigid’s cloak look like a smock. The initial stage of research involves analysing the subject’s common themes, performance methods and the artistic efficacy, including the mission statement they abide by as theatre makers. The most common place I like to begin with is on their website, so that I can glean some knowledge of the theatre company before I meet them.

Through many years of study into the digital world of theatre and theatre marketing, I have noticed an incredible amount of sensational and exaggerated language when a theatre company describes themselves and their work. And so they should, their website is constructed to ‘write to invite’. To put all the appropriate information together like their history, their vast amount of success, artistic policy and all of their passion into why they make theatre into just a few short paragraphs.

But I’ve seen a lot of common phrasing and sentences that makes me believe that maybe they aren’t being totally truthful but instead have copied other theatre company’s page and/or have made sweet sweet love to a thesaurus (different strokes for different folks, and did you know to be in love with inanimate objects is called Objectophilia, that’s for all you dictionary and thesaurus lovers out there!) Of course, a company is not going to write on their info page ‘come see our play, it’s the fucking best play ever’, that would be fairly badass but would not invite a huge audience.

For this article I am going to construct a dramaturgical analysis, to understand the depth of the artist beyond words from a simple website page…or, I can tell you the most common phrasing and sentences and translate it to what they are really telling you. The latter is more fun.

Below are some of the sentences I have found over a couple of years with my translation underneath.

1. Uniquely innovative…
Not completely sure what we are trying to do, but we know it’s good. So like it or lump it.

2. We are delighted to announce…
That we finally found the money to produce this fucking play that we wanted to do five years ago.

3. We support various artists…
Don’t bother applying our friends already have the jobs.

4. Inspire and entertain..
I didn’t know how to start this paragraph so I wrote down some words until I found something that looked coherent. And I think this is what our theatre company produces, and it sounds great out loud.

5. With the aim of producing…
We tried to produce a comedy but it kind of ended up being a gruesome tragedy. This is due to the over excited lighting tech we hired, thanks Terry, just, thanks. So don’t come to the theatre with any expectations, we’re not.

6. We provide a wide range of professional arts related support for community and cultural programming within our immediate region…
We are a great bunch of lads. We are that Theatre Company your mother wishes you would bring home and say you were marrying.

7. Has nurtured and premiered the work of major playwrights…
So we know we are shit hot, and you should know this too. You will attend other productions but let’s face it, you’ll be comparing them to us.

8. Aesthetically challenging…
We ran out of money, so the set is quite challenging to the eyes.

9. Please support us…
We have no money.

10. Support us…
We have money, but you can give us some more if you want.

11. Resonate beyond the stage…
We are so fucking great at creating theatre even newspapers want a slice of this arse.

12. Is at the heart of new writing and new actors…
We’re a bunch of chancers. We’re going to run it up the flag pole and see does it fly.

13. We are supported by the Arts Council…
If we don’t mention the Arts Council on every document we publish they will take our money away.

14. Our goal is to create a theatre performance that will be…
Complete, fingers crossed.

15. Game changing…
We aren’t just a theatre company but professional head fuckers. Maybe we aren’t even a theatre company but a mirror into the absurd workings of your mind!

16. Unique theatrical experience…
You are going to be walking a lot throughout this performance, it says on your ticket you have a seat but that was a computer error.

17. Creative practice is at the heart of our work…
We practice everyday to be all things theatre; we create and penetrate the fuck out of theatre. Like if Dali had a baby with Beckett, that long legged absurd baby would be us!  You won’t understand what we are producing because we don’t. But you will be too intimidated by our hyperbole to express your true opinion, that the stage was too dark and you could see all the actors nipples.

18. Entertain and empower…
Once again I had no idea how to start this paragraph, saw these little beauts of words. They aren’t just linguistically handsome but look how they both start with ‘e’, isn’t there a poetry term for that? Who cares I finally started this fucking paragraph!

19. Developing new performance ideas…
Theatre does not have a huge amount of financial longevity. So instead of a performance you will witness a performance in progress. By this I mean the actors will randomly stare at you making you very uncomfortable, wishing you bought a seat in the back.

20. Our strategy is…
To use some business sounding words to make us appear less like floaty artsy types.

21. Totally unique expression of established writing…
We were going to write a new play but we thought it would be more fun to fuck up this established play from this very well known writer. And lets be honest it’s a time saver.

22. If they have no ‘About us’ page or info page…
We forgot to pay the website guy. OR, we are that shit hot we don’t need an about page you already know all about us.

23. The Arts Council supports and develops theatre in (insert country) through grant funding, project awards, support to individual artists, and support to venues, publications and resource organisations. We also aim to improve resource- sharing, talent development career progression through…
We are the Arts Council, we like to ramble about what we do but not really explain anything so you will be too confused to object to our reasons for funding certain bullshit projects. All in an effort to please our great leader from Middle earth, ahem, I mean art, yeah that thing.

24. People’s theatre/or Theatre Company.
We are one with the peasants.

25. Award winning for its unconventional style…
(In a drunken voice) My acting teacher never understood me. Told me I would never make it. Look at me now Mr. Davis; I even have awards, with my name on it. Who is off stage now, not me, NOT ME!

26. Increasingly seeking to mount…
We have this idea but we have to do these other ideas first because our producer is a controlling dick.

27. Storytelling..
Our productions are mostly one-man shows.

28. Interdisciplinary collaborations…
It says it’s a play but it is more like a ballet/rave. With loud music that happens randomly. Oh and it’s based on a Beckett play, well a few Beckett plays, I think…

29. About us…
The bullshit page.

All of the sentences listed above were found on genuine theatre companies from their websites in the information page. I am not going to reveal the theatre companies because this list was accumulated over a few years and each sentence comes from a number of different theatre companies. As theatre makers, we can familarise ourselves with the jargon that is strategically structured on these pages. Because if we put down some of our organic thoughts of why we create theatre we probably would be asked to go seek a therapist.

All rights are reserved to Katie Poushpom ©